I'll admit. the last two months have been extremely difficult, for two different reasons. I'm not even sure which we should talk about. I've come back into town just now, so if you have time, we can meet and talk anytime.
That sounds like a smart idea. I'm just settling back in myself. I can be available tomorrow morning if you'd like, and if you need something more immediate, I'm happy to meet you today.
Tomorrow is fine. My demons aren't going anywhere tonight. And what was whispered in my ears on the trip isn't anything new to me. How about we meet for the session just before dinner, and I take you out afterwards as payment?
Don't come too prepared, you never know what might arise.
Meet me at the clinic, and if you want, stop by to use the hot springs ahead of time. I'm finding it relaxes people before having an intense conversation.
[She actually did take her up on the suggestion when she came over. The relaxation was ... something that she needed to do more often. The hot springs helped and just having her body in a more relaxed state made her at least not as nervous when she gave the door a gentle rap.]
[ Sakura had been playing catch up since returning from the trip to the new city, which had certainly not been any kind of vacation. She was glad to be back and able to bury herself into work to distract. ]
Come in.
[ Her office has a warmth to it, decorated in a Japanese style that matches the rest of the clinic. ]
[That place had been mostly good for Vira-Lorr, but she'd not needed some of the ways in which it seemed to taunt her about her problems. They'd been weighing heavily on her mind the whole time, after all, but heat had eased some of the worst of it.]
Thank you. I hope I didn't keep you waiting.
[she sauntered over to the chair, settling herself in it and trying to relax. It was an act, but hard to avoid.]
It always does. I don't get a good soak that often, so it definitely helped me relax a little bit. I haven't been doing that nearly enough lately.
[She sighed and stretched luxuriously. Really, it had put her in a better mood, even if she knew what they'd been talking about was not going to be that pleasant.]
So... how do you usually start one of these sessions?
[ Sakura rarely had any trouble turning moving from one role to another, and she shifts pretty easily over into the perspective a medical professional. ]
I suppose, typically I ask what's brought someone to me, but I'm guessing that's too broad a question. You've had a great loss recently though, and knowing that until then you were pretty well settled, I'd suggest that's a good place to start.
[She nodded. It was ... without question? The loss of Minako was the most obvious and raw thing that had hit her, and she hadn't... she...]
I haven't been handling this well at all. [She frowned and closed her eyes, sighing in the kind of way that said that all the hot baths in the world really weren't that much help when it came to this.] I had finally begun to deal with so many things. We were happy, planning for the future. When I woke up, I could feel her slipping away, and I only know she's safe because of how the bond severed.
But every morning, I wake up alone. Every day, I'm cooking for myself. And... my home, for as small as it is, it feels horribly lonely, and I don't do well alone.
If you were handling it well, it wouldn't have been a very strong love.
[ She listens with a professionals ear, but internally she felt a deep ache for her friend. There wasn't anything that could truly heal that loss. Time might eventually soften the sharpness of the ache, but such a big loss of any kind altered a person permanently. She gives a soft hum of understanding and an empathetic nod. ]
Knowing she's safe might help in time, but I'm sure your own safety must feel damaged? Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you had finally begun to feel safe enough to deal with thing, then this is a major setback to your own sense of safety.
[She didn't crumple in on herself, but there was a slightly defeated sigh to the way that she spoke. The problem was exactly that, which was also a bittersweet joy. She did love Minako, which was why it had been worth it and why it hurt this much.]
Yes... and no. If we're talking about my physical well being? Minako was the more dangerous of us in a fight, but I've survived a hundred years of war. I'm just fine on my own. However...
I'm sure both of us realize that being alone lends itself to a different danger here. And, though I have many friends I spend time with, I worry. [She dragged her fingers through her hair and closed her eyes, this time actually struggling.] I... also don't do well alone anymore. I haven't done well alone for a few years, and I know it. Minako had... she helped me a lot, getting past some decisions in my life that I regret.
No. That's not true. I don't regret them. Well, most of them anyway. [She regretted Keith a little.] But they had consequences. And it was something I didn't want to live out anymore. I worry that... I ...don't want...
[She was, if all those pregnant pauses said anything? She was having trouble saying this.]
[ There was a lot of what she was saying that Sakura wanted to respond to, or have Vira-Lorr elaborate on. She knew a bit about the hundred year war, and her background, but she wanted to know more.
She watches her, a gentle expression on her face, staying quiet. Inside she's sorting what she's saying into different categories. There are questions she'll want to ask when an opening comes up, or things to return to when the conversations lulls; particularly in regards to the loneliness. She has some suggestions for helping with her being alone, that she can offer her later. For right now what she wants is to have her friend continue with that sentence, so she can't distract with questions.
Sakura leans forward just a bit. ] It's okay, just take your time.
[Her body posture shifted more and she curled her legs in. One arm wrapped around them, her whole body closing up. It was a way that she held herself that she almost never actually did. Vira-Lorr bit her lip, not wanting to say it. But it was a fear, because it was something that she had done so many times before. She swallowed, and she knew that just holding this in was making her more morose and depressed.
She had to say it.]
I don't want to rebound, and it would be so easy to do it. I've done it before.
[As she said it, she was very consciously fiddling with her wedding band, swallowing. It felt not good but necessary to say it. But it was still a relief to actually get the fear out there, for at least someone.]
[ The way that her friend curls up in on herself tugs at her heart, she knows her well enough to know this is as hard as it gets for her. This isn't like she and Sasuke where if one left the other would know that eventually they'd be reunited. It was hard to speak to any truths when you fell in love with someone you wouldn't go home too. She can imagine it amplifies the pain of it all.
For a moment she has to think about what she means by "rebound", but it only takes a moment. She nods. It's not something she personally had experience with, she'd practically been monogamous since she'd met Sasuke, but this isn't about her.]
So, you want to stay loyal to Minako after her departure?
[ She found that touching and admirable, but she wasn't going to place that kind of meaning to it. ]
I... do, but I also know myself. Minako isn't the first person I've ever fallen for. Of course, it's not the same. [She was still fiddling with the ring.] She's been special to me in ways that nobody ever was. I want to be loyal to her, because I love her. She's worth waiting for.
[She breathed in carefully and closed her eyes, resting her forehead against her knees.]
But we never really spoke about this. I know she'd understand if I did. I know she'd forgive, even if she'd be jealous, if she'd want to be back with me. [If she remembered her at all.] She wouldn't want me unhappy, anymore than I'd want that for her. But this is different.
I'm not sure what to do, and some nights it's much harder.
[ Sakura considered those words: worth waiting for. She couldn't imagine the pain of not knowing whether she'd ever see her husband again. She'd probably be waiting for him to come back too. ]
Whatever decision you make in regards to moving on in love or even just sex, it sounds like you want it to be a decision rather than a reaction, right?
[ Talking about relationships or sex were outside of the normal trauma therapy she'd developed, where children were mainly recovering from war trauma, and dealing with the pain of becoming orphans. The methods were the same, but she'd learned to use it in different ways here. Still, she's adjusting to talking so openly about sex with others; people in Konoha were more reserved. ]
[She paused in her rant and musings when Sakura said that. Was it so simple as saying that she wanted it to be a decision? She didn't want a decision, she wanted to say. She just wanted Minako back. She just wanted everything to be...
But she didn't get what she wanted, did she? Not this time. It wasn't something in her control, and she also knew that she was very much capable of going through all of this again, and that a very real part of her was likely to want this again. It was why she was struggling.]
I am not sure I would put it quite like that, but I think you're very close. I don't want it to be a reaction, no. I've rebounded before. It never ends well. [Swallow] What's your suggestion?
[ She was close, well, that was a start. She nods. ]
It sounds like you want some control over it when it happens if you move on. I can understand why a rebound might help with the immediate grief. It's not surprising that you've turned that in the past, nor do I think it's a bad thing. But if it's not what you want, then getting support until the initial shock of this easier to deal with should help.
[ She didn't offer it often and she knew some might find it extreme. ]
You're welcome to stay here. Like a retreat of sorts, use the facilities at your leisure. I can offer any range of support, complete freedom to come and go as you please, but I lock up at night and you can refer to any of my staff for assistance if I'm not here. I don't think your situation is as extreme as someone on the edge of corruption, but sometimes the security of a safe place can help when you're trying to get your feet under you.
[So. there was a moment of shock in her face when Sakura said the first part. It took Vira-Lorr a little bit to realize what else she'd responded, but some small part of Sakura's suggestion really locked in with what someone else had said, and maybe she was thinking about her friend a bit. They had both convinced each other to show up after all.]
Would it surprise you to hear Chloe said something similar? To try having platonic closeness, at least until the pain was eased somewhat?
[Look, it wasn't that she was trying to say Chloe didn't usually give her good advice. It really wasn't, but ... they were both sort of queens of bad life choices, especially around each other.]
I am trying to take her advice. To keep friends close. And I might use your suggestion if I can't find anyone and need to not be alone on a night.
No, it doesn't surprise me at all. I've often leaned in to platonic closeness when I haven't been able to lean into Sasuke-kun. In fact, I think his absence in my life is one reason I bonded so deeply with of my closest friends. The intensity of love isn't exclusive to romantic relationships. Sometimes replacing one with the other helps to ease the burden.
[ Sakura hasn't gotten to know Chloe well enough yet to figure out what sort of advice she gave, but she knew on some level she lived a messy life. ]
I'm happy to host you if it comes down to it, but there isn't any reason for me to require it, obviously.
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[It would be Minako. She'd rather talk about her wife than anything involving the horrors of Deerington. Even if the pain was fresher.]
Just let me know where to meet you, and I'll see you tomorrow.
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Meet me at the clinic, and if you want, stop by to use the hot springs ahead of time. I'm finding it relaxes people before having an intense conversation.
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[She actually did take her up on the suggestion when she came over. The relaxation was ... something that she needed to do more often. The hot springs helped and just having her body in a more relaxed state made her at least not as nervous when she gave the door a gentle rap.]
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Come in.
[ Her office has a warmth to it, decorated in a Japanese style that matches the rest of the clinic. ]
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Thank you. I hope I didn't keep you waiting.
[she sauntered over to the chair, settling herself in it and trying to relax. It was an act, but hard to avoid.]
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No, you didn't keep me waiting at all, I've always got something to do. How are you feeling? Did the water help?
[ She often took advantage of the hot spring herself, relaxing after a long day. ]
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[She sighed and stretched luxuriously. Really, it had put her in a better mood, even if she knew what they'd been talking about was not going to be that pleasant.]
So... how do you usually start one of these sessions?
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I suppose, typically I ask what's brought someone to me, but I'm guessing that's too broad a question. You've had a great loss recently though, and knowing that until then you were pretty well settled, I'd suggest that's a good place to start.
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I haven't been handling this well at all. [She frowned and closed her eyes, sighing in the kind of way that said that all the hot baths in the world really weren't that much help when it came to this.] I had finally begun to deal with so many things. We were happy, planning for the future. When I woke up, I could feel her slipping away, and I only know she's safe because of how the bond severed.
But every morning, I wake up alone. Every day, I'm cooking for myself. And... my home, for as small as it is, it feels horribly lonely, and I don't do well alone.
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[ She listens with a professionals ear, but internally she felt a deep ache for her friend. There wasn't anything that could truly heal that loss. Time might eventually soften the sharpness of the ache, but such a big loss of any kind altered a person permanently. She gives a soft hum of understanding and an empathetic nod. ]
Knowing she's safe might help in time, but I'm sure your own safety must feel damaged? Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you had finally begun to feel safe enough to deal with thing, then this is a major setback to your own sense of safety.
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[She didn't crumple in on herself, but there was a slightly defeated sigh to the way that she spoke. The problem was exactly that, which was also a bittersweet joy. She did love Minako, which was why it had been worth it and why it hurt this much.]
Yes... and no. If we're talking about my physical well being? Minako was the more dangerous of us in a fight, but I've survived a hundred years of war. I'm just fine on my own. However...
I'm sure both of us realize that being alone lends itself to a different danger here. And, though I have many friends I spend time with, I worry. [She dragged her fingers through her hair and closed her eyes, this time actually struggling.] I... also don't do well alone anymore. I haven't done well alone for a few years, and I know it. Minako had... she helped me a lot, getting past some decisions in my life that I regret.
No. That's not true. I don't regret them. Well, most of them anyway. [She regretted Keith a little.] But they had consequences. And it was something I didn't want to live out anymore. I worry that... I ...don't want...
[She was, if all those pregnant pauses said anything? She was having trouble saying this.]
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She watches her, a gentle expression on her face, staying quiet. Inside she's sorting what she's saying into different categories. There are questions she'll want to ask when an opening comes up, or things to return to when the conversations lulls; particularly in regards to the loneliness. She has some suggestions for helping with her being alone, that she can offer her later. For right now what she wants is to have her friend continue with that sentence, so she can't distract with questions.
Sakura leans forward just a bit. ] It's okay, just take your time.
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She had to say it.]
I don't want to rebound, and it would be so easy to do it. I've done it before.
[As she said it, she was very consciously fiddling with her wedding band, swallowing. It felt not good but necessary to say it. But it was still a relief to actually get the fear out there, for at least someone.]
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For a moment she has to think about what she means by "rebound", but it only takes a moment. She nods. It's not something she personally had experience with, she'd practically been monogamous since she'd met Sasuke, but this isn't about her.]
So, you want to stay loyal to Minako after her departure?
[ She found that touching and admirable, but she wasn't going to place that kind of meaning to it. ]
Would she want that for you?
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[She breathed in carefully and closed her eyes, resting her forehead against her knees.]
But we never really spoke about this. I know she'd understand if I did. I know she'd forgive, even if she'd be jealous, if she'd want to be back with me. [If she remembered her at all.] She wouldn't want me unhappy, anymore than I'd want that for her. But this is different.
I'm not sure what to do, and some nights it's much harder.
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Whatever decision you make in regards to moving on in love or even just sex, it sounds like you want it to be a decision rather than a reaction, right?
[ Talking about relationships or sex were outside of the normal trauma therapy she'd developed, where children were mainly recovering from war trauma, and dealing with the pain of becoming orphans. The methods were the same, but she'd learned to use it in different ways here. Still, she's adjusting to talking so openly about sex with others; people in Konoha were more reserved. ]
If that's the case I have a suggestion.
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But she didn't get what she wanted, did she? Not this time. It wasn't something in her control, and she also knew that she was very much capable of going through all of this again, and that a very real part of her was likely to want this again. It was why she was struggling.]
I am not sure I would put it quite like that, but I think you're very close. I don't want it to be a reaction, no. I've rebounded before. It never ends well. [Swallow] What's your suggestion?
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It sounds like you want some control over it when it happens if you move on. I can understand why a rebound might help with the immediate grief. It's not surprising that you've turned that in the past, nor do I think it's a bad thing. But if it's not what you want, then getting support until the initial shock of this easier to deal with should help.
[ She didn't offer it often and she knew some might find it extreme. ]
You're welcome to stay here. Like a retreat of sorts, use the facilities at your leisure. I can offer any range of support, complete freedom to come and go as you please, but I lock up at night and you can refer to any of my staff for assistance if I'm not here. I don't think your situation is as extreme as someone on the edge of corruption, but sometimes the security of a safe place can help when you're trying to get your feet under you.
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[So. there was a moment of shock in her face when Sakura said the first part. It took Vira-Lorr a little bit to realize what else she'd responded, but some small part of Sakura's suggestion really locked in with what someone else had said, and maybe she was thinking about her friend a bit. They had both convinced each other to show up after all.]
Would it surprise you to hear Chloe said something similar? To try having platonic closeness, at least until the pain was eased somewhat?
[Look, it wasn't that she was trying to say Chloe didn't usually give her good advice. It really wasn't, but ... they were both sort of queens of bad life choices, especially around each other.]
I am trying to take her advice. To keep friends close. And I might use your suggestion if I can't find anyone and need to not be alone on a night.
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No, it doesn't surprise me at all. I've often leaned in to platonic closeness when I haven't been able to lean into Sasuke-kun. In fact, I think his absence in my life is one reason I bonded so deeply with of my closest friends. The intensity of love isn't exclusive to romantic relationships. Sometimes replacing one with the other helps to ease the burden.
[ Sakura hasn't gotten to know Chloe well enough yet to figure out what sort of advice she gave, but she knew on some level she lived a messy life. ]
I'm happy to host you if it comes down to it, but there isn't any reason for me to require it, obviously.
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